I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
