I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
