I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
