What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My vagina just recognized that song.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
