pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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