Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
