You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
