Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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