Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
