It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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