My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
