how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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