oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
