Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
