I heard we made out
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This baby is an asshole
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
