is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
