My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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