I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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