i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
