I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
