If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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