Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize