i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
