plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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