i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
