we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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