So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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