Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
