i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
