Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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