I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Little spoons don't ask big questions
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
