I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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