You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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