Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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