im six kinds of drunk right now
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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