Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
