Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think I sprained my soul last night
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I need to calm my uterus...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
