Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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