we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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