I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
