I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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