can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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