i can't believe i had my finger in that
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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