I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
