the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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