I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
