UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize