I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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