Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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