Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
