life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
