no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
