4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
