a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
