Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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