Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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