What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
