Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize