I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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