she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
