I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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