My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
