I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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