he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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