I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Vodka?
Forever.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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