She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
